Why I Started Paying Attention to Why I Was in the Room

For a long time, I knew one thing for sure: I needed to be in rooms with other people.

I didn’t always know which rooms. I didn’t always know why I was there. I just knew I couldn’t build a business (or a life) completely alone.

From 2023 to 2025, I did what a lot of people do when they’re trying to figure things out. I went. I showed up. I said yes. I sat at tables, joined groups, attended events, and put myself in rooms with people who were building, dreaming, leading, and figuring things out alongside me.

In hindsight, I was doing two things at once:

✏️ collecting information about rooms

✏️ and collecting information about myself

At the time, I didn’t have language for it. I just knew I needed proximity to other humans and women are my fave, so.

The Three Reasons I Found Myself in Rooms

Eventually, I started to notice a pattern. Every room I entered fell into one of three categories:

👉 Rooms I wanted to be in

👉 Rooms I needed to be in

👉 Rooms I felt pressured to stay in

Honestly, most of the time I entered rooms without knowing which category they belonged to at all.

Like, I was there, but I couldn’t have told you why. And that's something I want you to be able to skip.

Wanting to Be There

Some rooms were easy. I wanted to be there.

I liked the people. I believed in the mission. I felt energized just being in the space.

Sometimes there wasn’t a strategic reason at all. I didn’t need a return. I didn’t need a connection. I didn’t need an outcome. I simply felt good sitting next to the people and moving the mission of the room forward.

Those rooms were fulfilling in ways that are hard to measure but I know I got what I came for because what I came for was presence, not progress.

Needing to Be There

Other rooms were different. I needed to be there.

I needed the content being taught. I needed access to the people in the room. I needed the time, the structure, the learning, or the proximity to move something forward.

These rooms were satisfying even when they were hard, maybe even especially when they were hard and oftentimes they stretched me in ways I never expected. I never left rooms I needed questioning why I went. I knew the purpose and that made the effort of showing up feel worth it.

Feeling Like I Had to Be There

This is where things started to feel heavy. Some rooms I stayed in because I felt like I had to or I didn't have the courage to leave.

If I didn’t show up, I might lose access. If I stopped attending, support might disappear. If I spoke too much, I'd take up too much space and if I didn't say enough, I wouldn't be valuable.

These rooms often felt confusing. Even when nothing explicitly bad was happening, I carried a low level tension every time I walked in. I wasn't sure where to sit, I wasn't sure what to talk about, I wasn't sure how to dress.

I was confused and frustrated that I was feeling empty, despite my showing up. The rooms weren't “bad," they just no longer fit the season I was in—or the capacity I had.

What Changed Everything for Me

Here’s what I noticed over time: The clearer I was about why I was in a room, the more confident I felt walking into it. I stopped leaving spaces wondering:

• “Sooooo why did I go to that?”

• “Was this a good use of my time and resources?”

• “Did I need that, or did I just think I should?”

Something else happened too. When I was clear with myself, it became immediately obvious when a room connected.

The simplest rooms, with the clearest purpose, were always the most fulfilling for me.

Even when they weren’t a perfect fit. Even when I utilized them for something they were never intended for. Even when they no longer aligned.

You Don’t Have Capacity for Every Room — and That’s Okay

Here’s the part I wish I had understood earlier.

You won’t always have the capacity for every room. You won’t always need every room. You won’t always want every room. And some rooms will never align with you at all.

That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.

Before you choose a room it helps to reflect in a meaningful, no fluff, way. Ask:

• What do I need right now?

• What do I want right now?

Without answering either of those, it’s easy to keep showing up and quietly thinking:

“Why are we here?” “What are we doing?”

It’s hard to show up authentically when you don’t even know your own reason for being there.

Finding Rooms That Actually Fit

For me, the work wasn’t about finding better rooms. It was about getting honest with myself first and then choosing rooms that aligned in a way my capacity would allow. Too much of one room and not enough of the other and imbalance occurs.

That’s why I created a short, free guide called [5 Steps to Finding Your People (and Actually Enjoying Networking)] -> . It walks through the same clarity process I had to learn the long way—so you don’t have to.

If you’re in a season where connection feels forced, confusing, or exhausting, you can find the guide linked on my site.

Sometimes the answer isn’t trying harder. It’s choosing—or shaping—the right rooms for this season of your life.